Creature Feature

Creature Feature is a special feature here at Black Heart, dedicated to the stranger side of romance.

Clamied by the Bears

Today, Leah and Debbie will be chat reviewing CLAMIED BY THE BEARS by Lisa Cartwright. Before anyone informs us that we’ve misspelled “CLAIMED,” the book cover actually says “CLAMIED.” We would also post a synopsis for this story, but the author couldn’t even be bothered to write one! So here’s our thoughts about this little short story we stumbled upon….

Leah: CLAMIED!

Leah: I can’t stop. How did we miss Clamied?

Debbie: We were too busy being excited about being CLAIMED that we missed the cover said “Clamied”?

Debbie: How are you rating this shit?

Leah: I gave it 2 stars. The entertainment value alone was perfect.

Debbie: 2 stars? Wow. That’s a little excessive. I give it 1 for effort. Thank fuck that shit was FREE!

Leah: It is. But that book gave me a lot of laughs. And OMG moments. I had more fun reading it than 30% of other books this month.

Debbie: There was NO storyline. Not even a little. No structure. No nothing. Except for sex. And even all that wasn’t spectacular. Funny but not orgasm inducing. So many holes in the story!

Leah: Like, is her friend dead? Why do those bears hate the king? Why is she queen?

Debbie: Will she turn into a bear? The guy mentioned something about something being inside her. Inside her? Is she half bear or did he leave some bear essence inside her?

Leah: I think my favorite was when he growled and she looked around for a wild animal.

Leah: Bear essence! Hahahaha

Leah: We should have known it was a hot mess when reading it took us to 100% there was so much shit. (The book contained like 192 excerpts from other books at the beginning that you had to scroll all the way to 100% before you got to the actual story.)

Leah: Did the good bears leave a trail?

Debbie: A trail of honey. Or bear essence

Debbie: Trail of honey to the honey pot! 🍯

Leah: Her honey pot. Fuck, that was GENIUS

Debbie: Of course the author had to go there.

Leah: I mean, I would have been sad if she hadn’t.

Debbie: Can we talk about the threesome? Do you think bears IRL have threesomes?

Leah: …I hope so. But that would be dangerous. Jesus fuck, the images in my head.

Leah: I bet Tiffany would want the bad bears spin off if she read this.

Debbie: Hahaha. Yes! Tiffany would want to know about the bad bears.

Debbie: She’ll want something dark and gritty. Like they were former circus bears who escaped.

Leah: OMG. Escaped from an abusive trainer

Debbie: And they’ve been living in the streets eating trash since they escaped

Leah: And now they’re in a motorcycle gang to survive

Debbie: Hahahahaha! I die.

Debbie: I’m imagining a bear on a bike wearing a leather vest

Leah: With a cute circus hat. Growling. I‘d read it.

Leah: Tiffany would 5 star it. Ali would hate it if one bear kissed another stripper MC bear.

Debbie: Ali would hate the bear who couldn’t growl. 

Leah: HAHAHA.

Debbie: What would the bear MC gang be named?

Leah: Ohhhh. Smokey The MC?

Debbie: Hahaha. SMOKEY MC! LMAO

Leah: I wish we had photoshop skillz.

[We then proceed to post pictures of bears riding motorcycles like this one, and this one]

Debbie: DEAD

Leah: I’m cackling. I can’t. Dead.

Debbie: Tiffany would say she’d cuddle with all those damaged bears.

Leah: OMG haaahahaha. Truth.

Leah: I have 12 highlights. TWELVE.

“My love. You can have them all, but tonight I think you need some sleep. Tomorrow is another day and you can decide how you want to spend it. We are all yours now. You are the queen to us all.”

Debbie: BEAR ORGY!

Leah: Sounds fur-tastic!

“his cockhead caught the opening of her honey hole”

Leah: OMG THIS!

“Her knees slid further apart and pushed her face into the soft fur blanket. Her ass was so full of cock and even in the movement, his long length never left her heavenly divide”

Leah: First… a fur blanket in a bear cave? IS IT A BEAR. Or like… rabbits

Debbie: Maybe it’s the fur on one of the bad bears? BAD NEWS BEARS!

Leah: Giant honey pots hanging from trees that they drop like on Nickelodean with the slime.

Debbie: And the bear cave is full of food cause they hibernate in the winter.

“Mark pulled out as he felt her suffocating folds collapse around him and she started to squirt her excitement.”

Leah: She sounds like she has a 90 year old vagina. DIE. And she squirted a lot. I mean, I don’t judge, but jesus fuck. Maybe she needs an antibiotic.

Debbie: She’s a former porn star cause only porn stars know how to squirt.

“Her shiny quim was inches from his face”

Leah: That visual scarred me.

Debbie: She was releasing her bear essence. That’s how she attracted them in the bar.

Leah: OMG YES! And it was all over his face, so wherever he went, her essence went. The author should thank us for putting this all together.

“She screamed and the sound was silenced by a hair paw.”

Debbie: I just Googled bear mating. A little bear mating fact: Males follow females to assess their receptiveness, regularly sniffing areas where the female has sat and the female herself when possible. Couples often play and rest together during courtship. Males may follow individual females and guard them against rivals for up to 9 days before the female becomes receptive and mating occurs. Soon after mating, the male moves on to find another mate. Both sexes are promiscuous.

Debbie: BEARS ARE SLUTS!

Leah: Huge SLUTS….can we be bears?

Debbie: Do you think those guys would have turned half bear during intercourse? Like their heads turned into a bear head or they keep their human form but all their bear fur comes out.

Leah: Humans covered in fur. Or furry hands. Or just the bear growls. Or teeth.

And because we could not get enough of these lovely quotes, Leah made some pretty graphics for them. Check em’ out!

Claimed by Bears - 1      Claimed by Bears - 2

Claimed by Bears - 5      Claimed by Bears - 3

Debbie: IM DYING!

Leah: Best shit ever. We need to do this like every other week. The entertainment value is amazing

Debbie: As long as they’re free!

Leah: It’s a fucking date

Debbie: Ok….so do you have any final statements about this book?

Leah: Hmmm.

It was fucking ridiculous.But a lot of fun to buddy read. Don’t expect a story, at all, but a lot of laughs and discussion trying to fill the gaping honey pot holes.

Debbie: Bahahaha. Agree. If you’re a reader that expects structure, character development or a plot, this book is not one to read. But, if you want something ridiculous that’ll make you cackle, then this book is perfect and you didn’t have to spend any monies on it.

Leah: Yes!

 

Miss Debbie - Transparent Miss Leah Signature


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Creature Feature #2: The Alien’s Slave by Kat Richards

by Kat Richards
Genres: Erotica
Source: Purchased

**Creature Feature is a special here at Black Heart, dedicated to the stranger side of romance.**
Series: Standalone
Release Date: March 10, 2015
Publisher: Kat Richards
Genre: Erotica
Source: Purchased
Rating: ★★
~ Amazon Kindle ~
Taken by Three Aliens!
Desire turns me wanton. I want them to fill me with their seed.
 
One mistake in service is all it takes for my alien masters to decide to punish me. My flesh is bare. Hands, mouths and tongues touch me all over. The experience is far beyond my control and they fill me in every way they can imagine.
 
The Alien’s Slave is ravaged by three sexy conquerors of planet earth. There’s no pulling out for these victorious, dominant beings. 

 

Two stars.
 
One for the alien’s third arm.  Still not entirely clear on the mechanics of it, but it sounds fucking awesome.
 
One for some of the lines Alice delivers while ‘in the throws’ of passion.
 
Lines like this:
 
“I feel him pressing up against my puckered starfish and I tense.”
 
“Desire turns me into a wanton whore.”
 
“Please sir, fill me in all my holes.”
 
I didn’t touch on the plot becuase…well, one – nobody reads monster erotica for the plot. And two, it’s 25 pages. That doesn’t leave much room for plot.  So here’s the gist – three, three armed aliens with human like cocks and one human, wanton whore, female. They fuck. The end. Pretty much.
Miss Ali - Transparent

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Creature Feature #1: Pet to the Tentacle Monsters by Lilia Ford

** Creature Feature is a special here at Black Heart, dedicated to the stranger side of romance. **

Release Date: July 9, 2014
Publisher: LiliaFord Romance LLC
Genre: Erotica
Source: Copy provided for honest review
Rating: ★★
It’s been more than twelve years since the alien invasion wiped out much of the human population and forced those who were left into Refugee Communes. As far as Benji Tucker is concerned, a life devoted to bare survival is boring as hell. But when a stupid prank threatens to bring disaster down on the entire commune, the Galactic Enforcers show up and announce Benji is now eligible for adoption—by the invaders!
He wakes in a plain white cell to find three very different monsters determined to make him their pet.
Warning: Adult Readers Only. Contains plenty of hot, non-consensual tentacle action, including but not limited to tentacle spanking, tentacle gagging, and tentacle-sex. Quite separately, it also contains an adorable pink-rainbow-sparkle tentacle monster. Those who dislike adorable pink rainbow sparkles or hot tentacle action should definitely not read this book.

Let me set the scene of Pet to the Tentacle Monsters for you.  The world has been invaded by aliens. Aliens that are unseen but have Enforcers who have basically corralled all humans into these refugee camps.  Food is rationed, people are ranked based on their behavior and what they do for the community.
Benji does very little for his community, at the age of eighteen.  He’s gained no rank, he’s bottom of the barrel, little more than a pain in the ass to his uncle who is his only surviving family member.
After a foolish teenage move on Benji’s part that causes damage to his camps crops, an Enforcer comes to claim him for “adoption”.  This means he is fitted with some strange eye lens that enables him to see the aliens that have always been there.  The tentacle aliens.  Adoption also means you go live with these aliens, leaving your community behind.
Here is where the strange really starts to happen, you know…because that all wasn’t strange enough.
His abduction leads him to contact with three tentacle monsters. He gives each a name as they can’t introduce themselves. They can’t speak, no mouths, just tentacles.
Kitty – the small, shy one who likes to play and cuddle.
Black – the large ominous one that seemingly enjoys jacking Benji off while secreting some sweet fluid into his mouth. Repeatedly.
Silver – the one who really likes to beat Benji into submission by simultaneously mouth and ass raping him.  Also, Silver enjoys rubbing around in Benji’s snot (is that some new fetish?).  Repeatedly.

“When it discovered the snot leaking from Benji’s nose, it became excited. Whether it was from curiosity or a desire to humiliate his prey, the creature couldn’t get enough of the tears and gook, seeming to revel in smearing them over Benji’s face like a child finger painting.”

Benji must reconcile his new life and his new surroundings, which become increasingly more comfortable the more he complies to the tentacles. And the more comfortable it becomes the more he wants to stay with his new…um…family? Rapists? Friends? I don’t know what you’d call them.
The writing was surprisingly not bad.  When it comes to ‘monster erotica’, I’m used to something a lot rougher.  I won’t say this was a literary masterpiece of writing, but it wasn’t horrible and there was a world developed.
But it wasn’t sexy.  I know what you’re thinking. I can hear you silently judging.
Yes, I realize they are tentacles and in what way can tentacles be sexy? But this is labeled erotica so the point is to be sexy. If you write erotica, it needs to be erotic in some way.
Pet to the Tentacle Monsters just wasn’t.   Perhaps it is that the characters were lacking.  The tentacle monsters don’t speak through most of the book, if there had been more conversation maybe the relationships they formed with Benji could have brought more to the story.
However, it was entertaining.  It’s a short read, only 50+ pages, getting through it wasn’t a hardship, I wasn’t bored.  I just wasn’t particularly excited either.  But for those of you in the world of unique turn on’s, perhaps this is the book for you. 


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