Creature Feature #3: Clamied by the Bears

Creature Feature

Creature Feature is a special feature here at Black Heart, dedicated to the stranger side of romance.

Clamied by the Bears

Today, Leah and Debbie will be chat reviewing CLAMIED BY THE BEARS by Lisa Cartwright. Before anyone informs us that we’ve misspelled “CLAIMED,” the book cover actually says “CLAMIED.” We would also post a synopsis for this story, but the author couldn’t even be bothered to write one! So here’s our thoughts about this little short story we stumbled upon….

Leah: CLAMIED!

Leah: I can’t stop. How did we miss Clamied?

Debbie: We were too busy being excited about being CLAIMED that we missed the cover said “Clamied”?

Debbie: How are you rating this shit?

Leah: I gave it 2 stars. The entertainment value alone was perfect.

Debbie: 2 stars? Wow. That’s a little excessive. I give it 1 for effort. Thank fuck that shit was FREE!

Leah: It is. But that book gave me a lot of laughs. And OMG moments. I had more fun reading it than 30% of other books this month.

Debbie: There was NO storyline. Not even a little. No structure. No nothing. Except for sex. And even all that wasn’t spectacular. Funny but not orgasm inducing. So many holes in the story!

Leah: Like, is her friend dead? Why do those bears hate the king? Why is she queen?

Debbie: Will she turn into a bear? The guy mentioned something about something being inside her. Inside her? Is she half bear or did he leave some bear essence inside her?

Leah: I think my favorite was when he growled and she looked around for a wild animal.

Leah: Bear essence! Hahahaha

Leah: We should have known it was a hot mess when reading it took us to 100% there was so much shit. (The book contained like 192 excerpts from other books at the beginning that you had to scroll all the way to 100% before you got to the actual story.)

Leah: Did the good bears leave a trail?

Debbie: A trail of honey. Or bear essence

Debbie: Trail of honey to the honey pot! 🍯

Leah: Her honey pot. Fuck, that was GENIUS

Debbie: Of course the author had to go there.

Leah: I mean, I would have been sad if she hadn’t.

Debbie: Can we talk about the threesome? Do you think bears IRL have threesomes?

Leah: …I hope so. But that would be dangerous. Jesus fuck, the images in my head.

Leah: I bet Tiffany would want the bad bears spin off if she read this.

Debbie: Hahaha. Yes! Tiffany would want to know about the bad bears.

Debbie: She’ll want something dark and gritty. Like they were former circus bears who escaped.

Leah: OMG. Escaped from an abusive trainer

Debbie: And they’ve been living in the streets eating trash since they escaped

Leah: And now they’re in a motorcycle gang to survive

Debbie: Hahahahaha! I die.

Debbie: I’m imagining a bear on a bike wearing a leather vest

Leah: With a cute circus hat. Growling. I‘d read it.

Leah: Tiffany would 5 star it. Ali would hate it if one bear kissed another stripper MC bear.

Debbie: Ali would hate the bear who couldn’t growl. 

Leah: HAHAHA.

Debbie: What would the bear MC gang be named?

Leah: Ohhhh. Smokey The MC?

Debbie: Hahaha. SMOKEY MC! LMAO

Leah: I wish we had photoshop skillz.

[We then proceed to post pictures of bears riding motorcycles like this one, and this one]

Debbie: DEAD

Leah: I’m cackling. I can’t. Dead.

Debbie: Tiffany would say she’d cuddle with all those damaged bears.

Leah: OMG haaahahaha. Truth.

Leah: I have 12 highlights. TWELVE.

“My love. You can have them all, but tonight I think you need some sleep. Tomorrow is another day and you can decide how you want to spend it. We are all yours now. You are the queen to us all.”

Debbie: BEAR ORGY!

Leah: Sounds fur-tastic!

“his cockhead caught the opening of her honey hole”

Leah: OMG THIS!

“Her knees slid further apart and pushed her face into the soft fur blanket. Her ass was so full of cock and even in the movement, his long length never left her heavenly divide”

Leah: First… a fur blanket in a bear cave? IS IT A BEAR. Or like… rabbits

Debbie: Maybe it’s the fur on one of the bad bears? BAD NEWS BEARS!

Leah: Giant honey pots hanging from trees that they drop like on Nickelodean with the slime.

Debbie: And the bear cave is full of food cause they hibernate in the winter.

“Mark pulled out as he felt her suffocating folds collapse around him and she started to squirt her excitement.”

Leah: She sounds like she has a 90 year old vagina. DIE. And she squirted a lot. I mean, I don’t judge, but jesus fuck. Maybe she needs an antibiotic.

Debbie: She’s a former porn star cause only porn stars know how to squirt.

“Her shiny quim was inches from his face”

Leah: That visual scarred me.

Debbie: She was releasing her bear essence. That’s how she attracted them in the bar.

Leah: OMG YES! And it was all over his face, so wherever he went, her essence went. The author should thank us for putting this all together.

“She screamed and the sound was silenced by a hair paw.”

Debbie: I just Googled bear mating. A little bear mating fact: Males follow females to assess their receptiveness, regularly sniffing areas where the female has sat and the female herself when possible. Couples often play and rest together during courtship. Males may follow individual females and guard them against rivals for up to 9 days before the female becomes receptive and mating occurs. Soon after mating, the male moves on to find another mate. Both sexes are promiscuous.

Debbie: BEARS ARE SLUTS!

Leah: Huge SLUTS….can we be bears?

Debbie: Do you think those guys would have turned half bear during intercourse? Like their heads turned into a bear head or they keep their human form but all their bear fur comes out.

Leah: Humans covered in fur. Or furry hands. Or just the bear growls. Or teeth.

And because we could not get enough of these lovely quotes, Leah made some pretty graphics for them. Check em’ out!

Claimed by Bears - 1      Claimed by Bears - 2

Claimed by Bears - 5      Claimed by Bears - 3

Debbie: IM DYING!

Leah: Best shit ever. We need to do this like every other week. The entertainment value is amazing

Debbie: As long as they’re free!

Leah: It’s a fucking date

Debbie: Ok….so do you have any final statements about this book?

Leah: Hmmm.

It was fucking ridiculous.But a lot of fun to buddy read. Don’t expect a story, at all, but a lot of laughs and discussion trying to fill the gaping honey pot holes.

Debbie: Bahahaha. Agree. If you’re a reader that expects structure, character development or a plot, this book is not one to read. But, if you want something ridiculous that’ll make you cackle, then this book is perfect and you didn’t have to spend any monies on it.

Leah: Yes!

 

Miss Debbie - Transparent Miss Leah Signature


  • Valerie Roeseler

    Oh my god! I’m in tears from laughing so hard! Love the review!


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