Romance Ranting: Heroines I Want To Shank



Heroines.  Those bitches will make or break a story.  

A good heroine makes you fall in love and become invested in their story.  She will become your best friend, and you will be her biggest supporter when she gets accidentally knocked up on that one night stand we all see coming a mile away.  Her crazy antics make you laugh and shake your head in jest, and when she cries you’ll gracefully shed a tear or twelve with her, because that’s what friends are for.

But a bad heroine?  A bad heroine will make a reader feel so stabby that you literally dream about cutting the bitch.  You’ll wish you weren’t reading an e-book and that you had the physical hardback in your hands just so you could slam the pages together and pretend it was her face that you were promptly smashing shut.

Or, well, maybe the excessive violence is just me… but we can all agree that a bad heroine can cause a no-fucks-given DNF.

I know, I know – you’re just dying to ask, “Gee whiz, Leah.   What makes you want to shank a fictional bitch?”   And that’s a valid question.  No, that’s a great question.  So I’ve decided to compile a list of things that make me commit delusional character murder.

Top 5 Worst Heroine Traits That Make Me Feel Stabby:

1 – The Ever-Forgetful Waif.  You know who I’m talking about.  The heroine that is always commenting on how she just so happened to forget to eat all damn day, because that’s normal.  Stab.  It’s the end of the day and she mentions she can’t remember the last time she actually ate something.  Stab.

I mean, I get it.  There’s some days where I’m so busy doing…whatever it is I do when I’m busy… that I forget to eat for a solid thirty minutes.  And I know some people can hold out for even longer.  But when the heroine is forgetting to eat the whole damn story, where it actually becomes a storyline?  You’re a grown woman.  Eat some Cheetos.  (I highly recommend the spicy ones.  Just trust me.)

2 – The Debbie Self-Downer.  Let me start by saying that I love broken characters.  I actually prefer them.  Ain’t nobody got time to ready about a perfect character with a perfect life.  Boooooring.  BUT – the character that’s confidence is soooo lacking that she’s practically pathetic?  Blech.

You can be broken, yet strong.  You can have insecurities, yet have strength.  But when the character spends the entire book doubting why the hot sexy alpha is after her because she’s ugly or gross or unloveable?  Fuck off.  You have a vagina and he wants it, so why are you staring in the mirror all sad and lonely?  Head up, tits out.  Own that shit.

3 – The Toddler Wearing Grown Up Clothes.  I go from calm to I’m-going-to-shank-a-bitch in 2.2 seconds when the main character is a petulant, whiny child.  If the only things that come out of her mouth is cry baby whining, I can’t.  I just can’t.  Give that bitch a pacifier and shut her up.

So you have Daddy issues, I get it.  But are you a stripper who’s addicted to coke?  No?  Well then, he didn’t fuck you up too badly.
Your high school sweetheart that you were certain would love you forever broke up with you before you started college and now you can’t trust any man?  Well, I bet he works as a car salesman and is 40 lbs over weight.  So, you should be thanking him for dumping you.

Put on those big girl chonies and move on.

4 – The Finicky Bitch.  So, there are a few levels of being finicky.  I, myself, am a self-proclaimed finicky bitch.  But, I am not the main character of a romance novel, so I can get away with it.  But do I want to read about a woman who can’t make up her fucking mind?  NO.

For the love of all things holy, you aren’t deciding between turkey or ham…  you more than likely have a hot, sexy, hung alpha who wants to get into your pants.  Why must you constantly question if he loves your or not?  He loves me, he loves me not.  He loves me, he loves me not.  He loves me….  *shank*

Seriously.  Are you getting oral?  Anal?   Multiple orgasms?  …yes?  Then he fucking loves you so knock. it. off.  No more back and forth shit where you can’t make up your mind.    “Oh no!  I can’t fall in love with him, I swore off men!  But I think I love him.  But that can’t be!  Oh Heavens!”   *stab*

5  – Well.  Fuck.  I just stared at this screen for far too long.  I was trying really hard to get five, because a list with four reasons makes me feel a little itchy…but alas, even my ranting has its limits!

Alright, those are my top four Heroine no-no’s.  Do you guys have any character traits that you just can’t stand?

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