Romance Ranting – Leah’s Top Five Romance No No’s

RomanceRanting

I love romance novels, stories with romantic touches, all of it.  Give me a good book with some good penetration and I’m a happy girl.  That’s all I ask for, really.

Yeah, that’s a lie.  In reality I’m a finicky bitch.  And I have pet peeves when reading… lots of them.  My fellow blogmates like to make fun of me for them, think I’m crazy on a few…but hey!  Different strokes.  We’re an eclectic bunch.

So, of course I decided to make a list of things in romance novels that make me feel stabby.  Or at the very least DNF the current read.

Leah’s Please-Stop-Doing-This-Shit-In-Books List

1 –  Fingers Tingling/Zapping When Touching For the First Time
This cliche kills me.  Let’s set the scene:  Girl is in coffee shop.  Boy walks in.  Girl sees boy for the first time and gets happy vagina tingles because he’s so hot.  Girl’s blood goes straight south and she loses all motor function and becomes a hot mess and, oh no!, drops her coffee. Or purse.  Or whatever.  She kneels down to grab the fumbled object of vagina induced insanity and so does the Adonis stranger…at the same time.  Their hands accidentally touch and KAPLOW!  Electricity jolts through their hands and sharp tingles spread through their arms like they just got a vaccine from a unicorn horn.

Puh-lease.

If a man touched my fingers and a strong bolt of lightning electrocuted my hand, I’d do one of two things.
1, I’d probably react without thinking and karate chop him in the throat, because that sounds painful.   Or,
2, I’d wonder if it was me or him who dragged their feet like the living dead when they walked.

Either way… not sexy.

2 – Man Growls
This is one that my fellow bloggers disagree with.  Those ladies love a sexy man growl.  Me?  Not so much.  Let’s set this scene up, too:  Sexy Adonis man has woman against a wall.  They’re making out like rabid animals and tearing off clothes.  The man pulls on the chick’s hair and says,  ” I want inside of you so bad I’m about to blow just thinking about it, ”  he all but growls.  Grrrrr. 

Just, no.   I’ve been with my husband twelve years and the only time he growls is when he needs an antacid.

I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I love when the heroine is with the hero in a crowded room and whispers all sexily in his ear, “I’m not wearing any chonies under this dress,”  and then pats his bum and sashays away.  The guy is instantly hard and groans in an almost painful way because his dick is so hard its gonna tear through his slacks.

Groans.  Groans are sexy.  But growls?  It makes me feel like he needs a good burping.

3 – Excessive Use Of !!
There’s nothing like a giant mood-kill in a story when the author uses an excessive amount of explanation marks when the characters are chatting.  Especially the man’s verbiage.  I call it the spirit fingers of dialogue and it makes me feel stabby.   For whatever reason, when a the male character ends all of his sentences with a big, fat “!” he instantly loses his man card.   *shrugs*  Like I said, finicky.    But here’s some examples.

“You make me so happy!”
“I love that color on you!”
“You eyes are like magical moons on a starry night!”
“I miss my Mommy!”

Okay, okay, you get the picture.  Things just aren’t sexy when it’s yelled.  Or said with spirit-finger mentality.

And when the chick is droppin’ those ! like dollars for a stripper, she’s just too peppy, and ain’t nobody got time for an always super happy heroine.  Gross.

4 – Orgasms on Command
Alright.  This one.  On-command cumming.  (Or is it coming?  I never know which verb to use here, damnit, someone please enlighten me.)  Either way, this one makes me get a good chuckle out of it.   Time to scene set:  Guy is pounding into chick.  Her legs are tied up like a pretzel, they’re both glistening from their effort.  The guy starts to growl, obvs.  When he knows he’s about to finish he says, “Baby, come with me.  I’m close.”  She pants, “Yes.”  He thrusts a couple more times and then he commands, “Now.”  He might even throw in a nip pinch, which I appreciate.

But for fuck’s sake.  Tell me seriously that if a man just looked into your eyes with his dick inside you, that all he has to say is, “Come for me.”  And bam, walls start to quake.  Because I call bullshit.  If it were that easy…well, that’s a whole different story.

Stop telling her to come and make it happen.  With fingers and tongues and even vibrators, you lazy piece of shit.

5 – Feel Them Across The Room, Without Any Eye Contact Or Knowledge They’d Be There
I wish you could see my face right now, because it portrays exactly how I feel about this.  Let me get straight into setting this scene up:  Lucy is at a party.  She’s wearing a pretty red dress and dancing with a handsome bloke named Bobby.  As they’re twirling around Lucy starts to get goosebumps and a tingle on the back of her neck.  She knows, just knows that her boss that she was fucking but broke up with has showed up to this totally random party.  She can feel him without even seeing him.

Ahem.  If someone bathes in a vat of cologne, you can smell them without seeing them.
But feeling the guy, who I bet growls, too, is just a load of crap.  Or maybe it’s left over electricity from when their hands sparked when he grabbed her accidentally dropped coffee cup.

But what I really think the moral of this one is… ladies, if you can sense he’s there, it’s probably not for a sexy reason – more like you feel danger and someone has a gun pointed at you.  So my advice?  When you feel them there, DUCK.  And fast.  Or run, that should work, too.

Well, those are my top five, but there are also some runner-ups that deserve a mention.

Runner-ups:

  • When a heroine “releases the breath she didn’t realize she was holding.”  I’m snort laughing at this.  Bitch, just breathe.  Ain’t no man so sexy that you hold your breath.  And fainting stopped being cool in the 1800’s.
  • Anal without lube.  Now that’s just being an asshole, you fucker.  A wise woman once said, “anal sex without lube is the act of a douchebag.”  And I agree.
  • I read about grown ass women.  Not children.  So please don’t put on “jammies.”  Put on pajamas, or go to bed naked for fuck’s sake.  And don’t tell me that your “tummy” hurts or I’ll karate chop your jugular, too.Alright, that’s it for me.  Do you have any Romance Rants?

 

 

Miss Leah Signature

 

 


  • Cassie Geary

    Thank you for this ~ it definitely made me smile this morning.

  • Lindsey

    Coming is the act, cum is the product. He was coming/about to come. His cum shot out of his… Great post. I’m sure there are more. I’ve thought of a few but, of course, I can’t think of them right now. I usually think of it while I’m reading then forget. Lol.

  • Jennifer

    Anytime the man acts like some jerkoff patronizing schmuck, I want to enter the story as a vampire and crush his windpipe before he can even get a “husky” greeting out. If the woman is stupid or childlike, I want to slap her on the face, where it’s not so sexy. That’s characterization; as for descriptions, there are some oold stale crappy lines. For one, I never ever EVER want to hear the phrase “sealed their love with a kiss” AGAIN. Does anyone still say that, it’s been ages since I picked up the crappy romance genre you describe. Another hell no is “swept her up in his arms”; you’re not a tornado Mr. ego and I’d rather be reading about one btw. “Looking into each others’ eyes” for a prolonged period of time is also a no and so is taking someone’s else’s face in your hands in a slowed down, sappy moment. But dear sap-spewing authors, if one of your characters should grasp another’s facial sphere in their hands, you don’t need to over-dramatize that moment or ANY moment by spelling out their names. This does not just apply to romance writers either; an example is “Robert Miller took his daughter’s face in his hands” (right before reaffirming her beauty or some slop). We KNOW their last names, and they do NOT APPLY HERE. Equally awful was in a Christian novel when a woman journeyed to see a doctor she’d never met to deliver her baby and tell him God wanted him to change his ways; she proceeded to demonstrate her messenger powers by spelling out his entire name in a gentle voice before adding God had a plan for him. I’m a Christian and I almost dented the wall throwing that book across the room (more than one reason it bugged me at that point in the tale, but that nailed it). Basically, NO moronic jerks, no pathetic sheep and no simpering lines! I’ve actually found YA romance with QUALITY guys, and that’s because it does its own thing with no bad stereotypes. Let’s learn from that. The penny-paperback romance thing is, though, not worthy of my time all the way around, so my advice here is mainly for lousy things real writers should avoid.


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